“Mom, mom.”
“What honey?”
“Can me and Zach get some ice cream from the ice cream man?”
“I don’t have any money, babe.”
“I do, mom.”
Of course you do, you always have money, more than me, I thought. I walked to his room to get his piggy bank, mainly filled with green than metal. While walking back to the screen door, I noticed both little boys were looking so enthusiastic. You could just see it in their eyes, both visualizing the tasty ice cream treat, which will soon be a melting mess for me to clean up later. In an instant, I realized, playing a prank on them was an opportunity I could not pass up. Approaching the screen door, clutching the giant pink pig in my hands.
I roared:
“Muuwaahhhhh, you think you boys are getting some ice cream? (Gnashing my teeth, trying to do my best Peter Lorre impression) No way, the money’s all mine, all mine I tell you! Muwaaahhhh.”
The eerie crinkling noise produced by my lemony Pledge-filled hands was perhaps a little too theatrical for someone else’s child. My son was used to my behavior, but Zach’s mouth dropped to the ground. Tyler stared at his mother with no interest…both were just cute as buttons. Even though, there was a screen door between me and Zach, he still looked terrified. He looked at me with this perplexing, yet frightened gaze, then looked over at Tyler and said:
“Wow, Tyler you were right, your mom really is crazy!”
When Zach said this, I immediately started laughing hysterically, that this little guy was afraid of his best friend’s mommy? Then laughter promptly shifted to panic. Suddenly, a quick glimpse into my future of everyone knowing the real me was a scary notion. You see, the hard work and dedication Zach’s mom puts forth into her gossip telling is unlike anything I have ever seen. My crazy paranoia (this time) was valid. I firmly believe she has a secret passage way behind her washer and dryer. This is where she clandestinely slips into her secret underground bunker sending out gossip via Morse code. This “news” is then distributed throughout the neighborhood, surrounding counties, the state, the country and parts of Europe, all before sundown. The message will say: There is a crazy woman living at 725 Meadow Lake Drive in Carmel, IN. I will be outed, the jig is up.
“Oh well,” I thought to myself, “I might as well face the music.” The transition from laughter, to panic, soon gave way to relief. One of the best things about being crazy: a massive emotional shift can happen in seconds. Little known fact - when a dramatic actor in a movie instantaneously goes from laughing deliriously to crying, they are portraying someone with a thyroid disease.
After being outed, from that moment forward our yard was…well, let’s just say, we would certainly lose the Best Kept Yard award. My fake smiles ended and instead of playing ball with the brats, they received snarls. Looking back on it all, it was silly to hide my true self… but, when you are sick and you don’t know you are sick, you try to act well, Conversely, when you are sick and you know you are sick, you say, “What the hell.”
Thanks for reading my entire intro - I hope to have this Crazy book out sometime in 2012
Love ya - Don't forget to fill out the survey!
Crazy Thyroid Lady
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