Blood Work - Mission Impossible

Have you ever noticed when getting blood drawn at a lab or a doctor’s office, the entire process is like a Tom Cruise/Mission Impossible-type event? What is the reason for the serious stealth?

Here is how it goes…

Already knowing what lies ahead, timidly you arrive. They usher you into a room, where you must rest into a deceitful seat reminiscent of an amusement park ride. Next, the bloodletting bandit, with an interrogative tone, confirms your date of birth and name, which you must spell out for them.

Then, they are all like, “Put your eyes in this retinal scanner”… Just kidding--I always wanted to use a retinal scanner; they really should use a retinal scanner…WHY AREN’T THEY USING RETINAL SCANNERS!!

Anyway, the “technician” sticks the long, sharp blade in your arm expelling those pumping platelets keeping you alive.

Afterwards, they place your precious life force in those cheap fifty cent vials. The number of vials needed depends on the amount of codes marked by the doctor on that top secret, cryptic, lab request form.

Meanwhile, CIA operatives in Langley, Virginia are the recipients of your blood and the clandestine lab order with those codes. These codes can only be deciphered after many years of operative training. They must know ICD-9 codes, diagnosis codes, CPT codes, Morse code and all the Xbox 360 cheat codes. At least this is what I believe, because when I view my own lab order, I haven’t a clue-- am I being tested for my thyroid disorder or to somehow help me with Call of Duty?

The key part of this whole covert operation is when it’s over; you are then given a band-aid, which contains a fluid that seeps subcutaneously causing the reluctant donor to become passive. This passive state is needed for a very important purpose. Why? Because the reason you went to get blood drawn in the first place was because, you were experiencing the following:

Chronic fatigue, migraines, moodiness, anxiety, depression, excessive weight gain, hair loss, blurred vision, joint pain and brain fog…UGH!! This is no way to live!

But, when you call for your results a nurse comes on and says, “Oh yes, let me get your chart,” she comes back on the phone and states quickly, without hesitation …”Everything is normal.” At that moment the passive poison kicks in and you say simply, “OK”…Click, you both hang up.

It is your chronic suffering that brought you to the doctor in the first place. They take your blood, from your arm, it is your results, so for the life of me, I can’t understand the secrecy. Unknown answers filed away in your elusive “chart.” And what about that nurse who gave you your normal blood results, then dismisses you like an insubordinate employee. “Ummm, what about my current symptoms, did you think I was making it up.” It does not seem to matter to them though…as long as “Mission Is Accomplished!”